"Fear is an idea - crippling, experience - crushing, success - stalling inhibitor, inflicted only by yourself." Stephanie Melish
Master Secret: How to Overcome Fear
Strategy: Understanding fear isn't real. Realisation of limited time.
Unfortunately, our time on Earth is limited. Like an airplane flying to a destination, some people will disembark, and new people will board, constantly. We also don't exactly know when our plane will land. So, how do we get over fear and move ahead with our dreams? One word gets us to take the mental leap quite quickly, and that word is gratitude. The beautiful quality about gratitude is that you can’t feel fear and gratitude simultaneously; the forces are in complete opposition to each other. Don’t be fearful of the risk of what you are thinking about doing; be fearful about being the same as you’ve always been. There is no risk in risk, when death is certain. If a small risk is indicated, take it. If you lose, you’ll grow, but if it works, repeat as best you can.
The Risk Myth:
Most people believe that risk and fear actually lie in taking the chance. However, as we travel through life, we learn that every decision is about perspective. Pose the same question about risks to a person with a life-threatening disease and you'd certainly have a very different conversation about the importance of selective but consistent risk-taking.
Risk is disguised everywhere, every day, and every second we're alive. Risk is part of being alive. So, why do so many of us play it safe and why do so many regret doing so in later years?
I believe there are moments in life when a small leap of faith is required. If you think hard, you'll know the moments to which I'm alluding. It could be a decision surrounding a relationship, buying a property, investing, moving to another city or starting/buying your own business. When we are seeking more from ourselves or to become more than we already are, we will occasionally see a small step forward. This will be the exact moment that will put you either farther away or much closer to your vision.
If we can consciously encapsulate the above into our thinking, I believe it will lead us to a greater understanding of our own personal development and risk-taking paradigms in the context of personal growth and business success. We can reach a stage of intuitively knowing that if we head in the direction of our chosen vision, then, in time, we will definitely hit our target.
The unknown factor, of course, is not whether or not, but when we'll make it. The obvious issue with 'when' is we just don't know. This is the greatest reasoning behind goal-setting and why setting mini-goals inside larger goals is so important; it keeps us on track mentally. Unfortunately, some believe they can casually stroll up to dreams with their hands in their pockets. This attitude just won't do. Having a casual attitude, tempered with a risk - averse mindset, will make us a casualty of dream realisation. We have to run towards our vision with rigor, ambition and perseverance if we want it to happen at all. The truth of it all lies in the fact we are all technically risk-takers anyway. Getting up in the morning and driving our car to work is a risk we all take on an unconscious level (life/death). We do this every day without realising we may, very well, not come home at night. We take risks with our finances, albeit conservative risks, and we take risks in love. Being risk averse is a myth, because we gamble with our life every time we step out of our front door.
If this reasoning stands true, none are really risk averse. Instead, we just lack the faith in ourselves to "get there", because of fears surrounding failure or embarrassment. Truth be told, we take risks sitting in the spectator stand or playing on the field, and the older you get, you're going to wish you were on the field, playing and learning the game. If you're currently on the edge of decision, take this as a sign to take the next small step.
If we can keep this in mind, and realise our days are numbered in any case, we start to put ourselves into a dream-chasing mindset where it's not only possible to chase dreams, but necessary!
Paralysed with fear. Knowing that a burden shared is a burdened halved, we recently had a seminar member open up about fear to depths that have never before been witnessed at any of our seminar events. Allow me to set the scene: When we speak about fear at our events, we ask audience participants to briefly outline their own version and type of fear in an effort to locate the right tools to combat that fear and move on.
A beautiful lady in the audience had never publicly opened-up about her fear before. She broke down and admitted she had been in her own personal version of purgatory for the last twenty two years. She couldn’t understand why she was still feeling this way, and she said she was sure she was past this pain. She has four beautiful children, a lovely home, and a supportive network of friends and family around her, yet she was still suffering due reasons that many in her circle had thought she had slowly moved on from.
Her husband of twenty two years prior had been mentally and physically abusive throughout their marriage. One night it become so dangerous, the eldest son took it upon himself to call the police. Soon after law enforcement intervened, a divorce was imminent, and a new, promising chapter of her life was around the corner. Her story is one I won't soon forget, and it is testament of the human spirit and what sometimes needs to occur for us to take the next step to a healthier life. Still, her healing process is continuing years later.
This is an extreme example of fear, but I have illustrated it for 3 reasons:
1) In life, akin to the example above, the risk actually lies in doing nothing for an extended period.
2) It sometimes takes force, on this occasion, by the law, to get us to see there is a better life waiting for us on the other side of our fears.
3) The longer we let any type of fear or evil rule our lives, the more comfortable we become with its presence.
Think back to when fear prevented you from making a decision that you know you needed to make. Perhaps, it was about ending a relationship, going for a new job, or taking a leap of faith and starting your own business.
How many of us are guilty of letting things go on too long? How many have become well-acquainted with the status quo? How many of us are putting a mediocre existence in front of our dreams because: "That's the way it's always been"?
How many people do you know are putting routine, and the “rat race”, before our deepest hopes and dreams? I know for the longest time I had the same thoughts as I'm sure you did. It’s a kind of "safety in numbers" comfort zone (the rate race) that we all love to complain about, yet spend no real time and effort to escape from.
In recognising the fears we’re capable of feeling, the fear of failing would have to be one of the worst fears we hold on to when planning and strategising for the future. No-one wants to fail, but failing in itself is a form of success as long as we don’t give-up in the process. Success is actually the worst teacher as it makes it look easy when it's not. When we only look at success and try to emulate it, we become ill-equipped for knock-backs. We'll learn much more from failure than success. Failure teaches us resilience and resilience is needed for long-term success.
According to the website psychologytoday.com there are five types of fears from which all other fears are manufactured.
These are:
1 Extinction—the fear of annihilation, of ceasing to exist.
2 Mutilation—the fear of losing any part of our precious bodily structure.
3 Loss of Autonomy—the fear of being immobilised, paralysed, restricted, enveloped, overwhelmed, entrapped, imprisoned, smothered, or otherwise controlled by circumstances beyond our control.
4 Separation—the fear of abandonment, rejection, and loss of connectedness; of becoming a non-person—not wanted, respected, or valued by anyone else.
5 Ego-death—the fear of humiliation, shame, or any other mechanism of profound self-disapproval that threatens the loss of integrity of self.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com
That's all there is—just those five.
How many of the above areas would your fears fall into? Does the fear of extinction play a role next to the fear of Ego-death, or should we be putting things into perspective?
Despite the threatening nature of the five fears mentioned above, perhaps the most potent and persistent fear that holds most of us back is the fear of Ego-death. Ego-death, or the fear of embarrassment, is at the root of many people not pursuing their passions. Some typical concerns are: "What if I fail?" "What if I embarrass myself?" "What if they ridicule me?" "What if I lose my money?" "What if I lose time?" "What if I upset those closest to me?"
I ask you: Why else are you here if not to do what you love and inspire others in that pursuit? This is the very best way we can be of service to the world.
A great story that was made public by the famous George Washington Carver, an American Scientist born in 1864, was the story of a soldier caught behind enemy lines. Realising he was outnumbered, he was quickly brought to the Captain. Despite the Captain's reverence and respect for the soldier coming this far, the soldier was made aware of the immediate two choices he had before him. The first choice was that he could face the firing squad the next morning. The second choice was he could go through a door the Captain had pointed to within his territory. The soilder curiously asked: “What’s through the door?" The Captain answered, “We don’t know; all we can tell you is there’s unknown terrors and horrors–it’s your choice." The soldier thought about the decision and chose the firing squad, and he was consequently shot at 9am the following morning. After the shots rang out, the secretary asked the Captain:“What was through that door?" “Freedom” responded the Captain, “I was giving him his life to start over”. The captain wanted him to make a fear-free choice.
We must never have fear or doubt in taking the path less travelled. The fear of failure, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of losing money, the fear of appearing foolish, the fear of upsetting your immediate social environment, or even your greatest personal fears, all become insignificant once you have achieved your dream. In overcoming fear, we must address two concepts with which you need to be familiar. One of those is fear-based programming, which stems from our environment, and the other is inherited thinking, which stems from those closest to us. Both of these concepts need to be addressed and assessed if we want to achieve our desired outcome.
First, lets explain the two concepts:
Fear-based programming is acting out of fear for an undesired result. We act because if we don’t, we’re afraid of what will happen next and how this will affect our lives. Fear-based programming is also one of the most subtle and destructive forces known to humankind. Why? It creeps in and takes up residence internally, without our conscious knowledge. It masquerades as: “We’ve always done it this way" or a version of needing security to survive. The scary thing is, our society is either blind to this concept, or knowingly supports it.
In comparison, inherited thinking is thinking that has been passed down from generation to generation. Most of this includes good thinking practices, such as to evaluate, to educate, to love, to gain experience, to make mistakes and learn from these. However, it is also very different for everyone. For example, some generations are prone to hatred, because they have been taught to hate. They then pass their dogma (e.g. a war time enemy of a grandfather) onto the hearts of the young.
There are also less aggressive or intrusive ways of inherited thinking. The most popular one is negativity and a genuine belief that we cannot achieve what the heart and mind desires. Cast your mind, if you will, to the last time you had a negative or doubtful thought. It could have been last month, last week, yesterday or five minutes ago, or as you’re reading this very sentence. How do we recognise what a negative thought is, and more importantly, how can we address it for the greater benefit of living a future we truly desire? A negative thought is anything which influences you to feel negative, unworthy, depressed, angry, jealous, self-loathing, doubtful, sad or inadequate. It's usually a combination of both fear-based thinking and inherited thinking, and it has subconsciously programmed mental pathways by setting limitations on possibilities.
World-renowned researcher, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, gives us lab-tested tools necessary to create a healthier, more vibrant, and flourishing life. She discovered that experiencing positive emotions in a three-to-one ratio leads people to a tipping point beyond which they naturally become more resilient to adversity and effortlessly achieve what they once could only imagine.
If this is indeed true, how potent can negativity be to begin with, and more importantly, how many lots of three do we have stashed away in the form of positive people, places, mantras or situations, which can bring our mind back to an “anything’s possible” position? Re-programming the mind to recognise and filter out negativity in the form of images, news, people, film, family and friends is of paramount importance if you wish to build the desired mental state needed to fulfill your dreams. We simply cannot be bombarded with negativity and live a positive life. Why? Because negativity sticks and becomes part of our paradigms and hardwired thoughts.
So, what does this all have to do with running your own business? Again, everything! Whether you’re an entrepreneur, sales manager, doctor, mechanic or poet, the state of our mind is directly related to how high we think we can go, and we’d be right. Henry Ford put it best when he said: "Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right."
Most of us however disguise our fears under the cloak of practicality. We come up with reasons, seemingly valid ones, as to why we can't start to live our purpose and dream, all the while building our validation for inaction. The main one of those is timing and the belief that the current time (today) isn’t quite the right day to pursue, or at least start to pursue our dream. The excuses start to flow in: "I’ll start it when the time is better", "when I have less things on my plate", "when I pay off my mortgage", "when I pay off a personal debt", "when I have the approval of my family and friends", "when I forgive myself", "when I think the time is right". All reasons for inaction stem from relatively rational standpoints and are backed-up by our current situation, inherited thinking and any fear-based thinking we’ve picked up along the way.
The thing to remember here is that our dreams, vision and purpose are the very reason for our existence and cannot be put solely into rational timing. When most people follow dreams, they do so knowing that it's an irrational endeavor to undertake, but well worth it when success comes our way. It's not an easy road. It often requires risk, worry about decisions, and courage to endure until your dream is realised. Some would argue this is not for everyone. I would argue the opposite. It's not only possible for us all to follow and pursue what makes us grow to be truly happy, but it's necessary on our part to live that purpose whilst we are here.
At this juncture, some would ask: "Where do I start? I have a job, how can I be a dream-chaser when I have bills to pay, children to look after and a parent/partner who’s co-dependent on my income?"
These are all rational points, but they are still excuses. At a recent seminar, we had a lovely lady stand up and tell us about how she wasn’t in a position to chase what she loved. Her dream was to become a world class violinist, and with a recent divorce still fresh in her mind and doing three jobs just to stay afloat, the thought of learning the violin was selfish to her. We calculated that if she could practice for an hour a day for 365 days in that year, she agreed she would have added 365 hours to her craft. Qualifying that further, the 365 hours she practiced would equate to over six weeks worth of eight hour days per year. She now has 58 weeks per year, while the rest of us have 52.
To illustrate this point further and to keep it simple, let's perform some simple calculations on two large time-eaters, namely work and sleep. We will move forward on the premise we work 10 hours per day, including travel time, with four weeks per year for personal leave.
First, we will multiply 24 hours by 365 days to get our total hours available per year. This equals to 8,760 hours. So far, so good.
Let's now assume your work takes up five days per week at ten hours per day (52 weeks and we'll deduct 4 weeks per year for personal time, which equals 48 weeks). That equals 240/365 days per year (50 hours*48 weeks). This equals 2,400 hours, respectively, to deduct from our yearly total of 8,760.
Let's now further deduct seven hours of sleep per night (7 hours*365 days). This comes to 2,555 hours per year for sleeping.
From these calculations, we can deduce work and sleep accounts for approximately 4,955 hours per year. We deduct this figure from our yearly total (8,760) and we get 3,805 hours of personal time in addition to our four weeks of personal leave. Let's take it further again and divide this figure by 365 days a year and we average out over 10 hours of personal time per day over the course of a year! Don't believe me? Do the maths again! We have ample time to pursue our passion for at least one hour per day.
There’s never an opportune time to start your dream. Even if you have obligations, all of us can find the time to place effort into following what makes us truly happy. Like the above calculations, if our violin friend can manage 60 minutes per day to work on her craft, we can all outlay ample time every day to move us steadly closer to our passion.
Gaining an extra hour in the above example will require the sacrifice of one hour of your time that is normally dedicated to other activities. This might mean sacrificing one extra hour of sleep in the morning or one less hour of you favourite television show, in replacement for an hour of perfecting your craft. So, now you have the time, there's no stopping you.